Always the Bridesmaid but never the …

I know I have been away and out of touch for far too long now. And as always, I have again come up with a very good explanation for my long absence. No, it is not one of those lame excuses I used to come up with and it’s about time I come out into the open and talk about it (heck, I might as well rant about it too! lol).

Well, I just got in touch with my long time friend today and found out she’s getting married next month. I also found out that she picked me to be her maid of honor. I was shocked and caught off guard. In all honesty, I am happy for her – with all my heart, I truly am. But something about it tugged at my heart. Painful memories of the past came to mind along with feelings I have tried so hard to forget. I guess I’m still not over it. I thought I was but I guess I was mistaken.

3 years ago, I believed and thought I’ve finally found my destiny. You can just imagine my happiness when I got proposed at. The thought of being engaged was pure bliss. I was really looking forward to becoming someone’s wife and soul mate (it was to happen this year, supposedly!). I was really all excited and ready to share and spend the rest of my life with the man I thought was the one God had intended for me. It didn’t matter to me how or where we were tying the knot – all that mattered to me was the love that I felt for the person. Needless to say, I thought I finally found my fairytale.

Last year (June 2009 – right after I got back home from my Bohol trip), just days after our petition got approved, he broke the news to me. He said he needed more time… that he needed more space. I was dumbfounded, shocked, hurt and confused. Did he really love me? Was it something I said? Or something I did? I remember feeling numb all over and not knowing what to do or think. In the 3 years we’ve been together, I have never asked him for money nor did I take advantage of him. My parents adored him – hell, my Dad was really all thumbs-up for him. So, what the hell went wrong? I honestly don’t know. I was so lost. I had no idea what to do or say. I was so hurt. All of my friends said I was fine, that I was a good catch. I am employed and earning my own money. My parents can afford to support me if I should decide to stay at home and do nothing. I had been a very loyal and faithful partner… I didn’t deserve this pain.

So… being the typical Filipina who liked being sought after, I matched the pain he caused me and told him I’m not marrying him if he’s not ready. At the back of my mind, I hoped and prayed he would go after me and try to win me back – but he didn’t. Ouch! I was dropped and dumped like I were some hot potato burning in his hands! Yes, I know. It was so painful it killed me. It killed that part of me that hoped and believed. I tried to get even with him by saying hurtful things at him – even when deep inside, I just needed him to say he’ll stay and make things work for both of us. I got so depressed as I watched 3 years of my life go to waste. I got sick, performed poorly at work, and avoided eating together with my family for fear of being asked about our status. Yes, he also left me alone to deal with the mess he left behind. I had no clue how to tell my family. I was so angry at myself for trusting him, for believing him.

He was a big part of my every day. Losing him was not even in my worst nightmare! I was so used to having him with me (virtually of course – the perils of a long distance relationship). I started and ended my days with him. We prayed together, shared our hopes and dreams with each other… I just simply didn’t know where or how to start being my own person again. I spent endless nights crying myself to sleep, there were even times when I thought about ending my life just so I could escape the pain. All of my closest friends are out of reach (living / working in another place). Yeah, sending them messages did me good (for a while) then I started battling with depression again. I gained back all the weight that I’ve lost, I spent all my money on food. I needed someone to comfort me while I cried out all the angst I have been keeping inside me. I couldn’t cry at home, fearing it could cause alarm to my family members (I rarely cry), and without a sister to share my room with, I always had to wait till everyone’s asleep before I could let my tears run free.

I am tired believing good things happen to good people – because it doesn’t. I am tired of believing in miracles – do they really exist? I am tired of believing in love. All my life, I had done nothing but obey all the rules simply because I was told it was the right thing to do. Now, I’m tired. Tired of living? Yes, I am. I am 31 – and I am tired of waiting for Mr. Right. As one of my friends used to tell me, life truly is one shit right after the other (lol!). But atleast now, I have partially recovered. At least I am starting to enjoy myself again… I am doing new things, seeing new places… expanding my horizons (whatever that means! lol!)

It has been awhile and I am still trying to pick up pieces of the person I once used to be. And I did meet someone interesting along the way (and someone I truly admired). I also thought we clicked really well, hmm that was before I told him I love Twilight. As soon as he learned I read books about vampires, he decided I was less of a Christian and didn’t want to have anything to do with me. Oh well… I wish he spent more time really getting to know me and knowing more about where I came from before judging me. Tough luck and tough love?!? lol! Maybe it was just God’s way of telling me I’m not ready (but boy, I really thought he was handsome and cute… tsk tsk tsk… lol!) but, I’ll take it as my cue that it just isn’t my time (yet).

To my dear friend, thank you for showing me that miracles still happen (not necessarily on time or when you expect it to be but at least it still exists)… that love still lives and that dreams still come true. I am so happy you found your miracle… and most of all, thank you for sharing the wonderful news with me today. Congratulations, Vikas and Divine! My love and prayer goes out to you both! Mwaaahhh!

As for me... I’ll have to keep believing that there’s someone in this crazy world for me (sigh…)

Lenten Season 2009

I received a very meaningful Lenten message today (thanks to Topee). I would like to share it with all of you. Here it goes:

The season of LENT reminds us that the life we have and the material possessions we hold are simply LENT to us. We are but pilgrims here on earth who will pass by only once. We bring nothing when we die. But we can leave behind the love we’ve shared, the hope we have given and the goodness we have done.

P.S.

You might also like these presentations (perfect for reflecting on your personal journey in Life) *winks!

Pathways to Peace and Interview with God.

A blessed and meaningful Holy Week to you all.

The Interview with God

It’s 1:00am now and I’m at work. I close my eyes and wish I was tucked in bed and enjoying my sleep – but alas, I find myself at work and bored as soon as I open my eyes. It will be a few more days to go before my rest day and I find myself procrastinating about a lot of things. So… I remembered this web site that was shared to me by one of my good friends (Thanks, Josie!).

This web site ALWAYS gets me in the right mood/path when I’m being too oblivious about the many things that I have been blessed with. Without much ado, let me share this one great presentation with you…

I hope it touches your heart like it did mine – never fails to calm my spirit and relax my soul.

Brought to you by Internet Marketing site.

Rustom Padilla: When “He” became a “She”

Back when I was in my teeny-booper years, I was a sucker for tagalog movies. I particularly loved Sharon Cuneta, Vilma Santos, Manilyn Reynes, Sheryl Cruz and a bunch of stars from “That’s Entertainment”. I even remember memorizing all the groups (Monday to Friday Group) of stars that I see everyday on TV.

There were a lot of booming and budding love teams here and there. Manilyn – Janno, Romnick – Sheryl, Lotlot – Monching and the cutest of them all, the Carmina – Rustom Tandem. For me, they were the cutest couple I’ve ever laid eyes on. Carmina has always been cute and beautiful. And very endearing in her own little ways too. While Rustom was a pure HUNK! Yup. He was. He was muscular with a smile that can stop and kill you right then and there.

A few years went by and before I knew it, I grew up and well… I started to avoid tagalog movies after that. Not because I don’t patronize movies coming from my own country. But because their patterns were always the same. And geezz, do they really have to have those dance numbers in the beach in every middle part of the movie? (lol) I still watch tagalog movies but in moderation and depending on who’s starring it.

Anyway, back to our topic. Rustom and Carmina got married and eventually separated. At first, the reason for their separation was not known to the public. Until a few years after, Rustom made a stunning come back. I think “shocking” is the more precise term.

He is now a She. Rustom Padilla died in the US of A - that is according to Bebe herself. Rustom is now known as Bebe GandangHari. See pictures of Rustom before & after and Bebe Gandanghari’s exclusive interview. The interview is in TagLish (Tagalog mixed with English).

This is Rustom Padilla's Before and After pictures:

A video clip of Bebe's Interview with Lolit Solis and company:

This video clip of Bebe’s interview really knocked a LOT of sense into my head. She’s right. Life is short. And we should never be afraid to be what and who we truly are because only God can see our hearts.

To Bebe, you go girl! Thank you for reminding us that life is indeed too short to concentrate on what’s pleasing to others. That it is also important to be true to oneself – even when it means going out of your way to be who you really are.

Here's another video clip of Bebe's interview with Ruffa Gutierrez and Kris Aquino on The Buzz.

More happiness and blessings to everyone!

Are you what your blood type is?

I was browsing through the Internet while sipping my tea this morning and came across one interesting article. It says that in Japan, people base your personality traits according to your blood type. The article also says that some schools in Japan divide kindergarten class by the children’s blood type (Geezz… this is freaking me out! lol).

Check out if your blood type really says a lot about who you are:

Type As are sensitive perfectionists but overanxious;
Type Bs are cheerful but eccentric and selfish;
Os are curious, generous but stubborn; and
ABs are arty but mysterious and unpredictable.

I also went to a Yahoo Answers website which also talked about blood types. Just click on this link to check out the article on Yahoo Answers. This is what that page is saying about people’s blood types:

TYPE O - You want to be a leader, and when you see something you want, you keep striving until you achieve your goal. You are a trend-setter, loyal, passionate, and self-confident. Your weaknesses include vanity and jealously and a tendency to be too competitive.

TYPE A - You like harmony, peace and organization. You work well with others, and are sensitive, patient and affectionate. Among your weaknesses are stubbornness and an inability to relax.

TYPE B - You're a rugged individualist, who's straightforward and likes to do things your own way. Creative and flexible, you adapt easily to any situation. But your insistence on being independent can sometimes go too far and become a weakness.

TYPE AB - Cool and controlled, you're generally well liked and always put people at ease. You're a natural entertainer who's tactful and fair. But you're standoffish, blunt, and have difficulty making decisions.


I’m an AB. And I can’t decide if this is accurate. I’ve always thought and believed that a person’s personality is influenced by his/her family, environment and peers.

How about you? Are you what your blood type says about you?

Lolo, this one's for you

My grandfather died when I was in my 2nd year in high school. It was a very painful experience. My cousins loved gathering together every Christmas and New Year at my grandparents’ house. My grandfather was the only link linking all of us. My grandmother… well, she’s just different. She loved gossiping with the neighbors than spending quality time with her own children and grand children. I grew up noticing all these bad qualities that my grandmother has and I have grown to despise people with the same qualities (and I have become an expert at avoiding them too!).

My grandfather was a very gentle man with a very big heart. He was a retired army. A veteran. He also had some medical training and had served at the army hospital during his younger days. He loved dotting on all of us. He had no favorites. All of us were equal in his eyes. We called him “Lolo”. In our dialect, it means grandpa. I remember spending my summers at my grandparents’ house together with my cousins. That was where I learned how to do most of the household chores (I even learned how to cook rice without using a rice cooker!) Birthdays were a big event too. We always had goodies waiting for us all when someone in the family is celebrating his/her birthday. How I missed those times!

Things started to change right after his death. My ever notorious grandma had a lot of things changed. She had the house changed (she took the store out and replaced it with a tiny, weeny room that had poor air ventilation. I honestly don’t think a mouse would survive a night in there!). She got rid of most of my grandpa’s belongings (we couldn’t find any of his tools anywhere!). Then my aunt died – to which my grandma failed to attend both the wake and the funeral. She purposely didn’t show up during her own daughter’s wake and funeral! Can you imagine that?!?! Oh well… have I told you my grandma was just different? Well… now you know.

I miss my grandpa so much. I miss my Lolo Julian. Sometimes I wish it was grandma who died and not him. I know it’s a bad thought but that’s how I feel. Now, our ancestral home (my grandparents house) is about to be taken away from us. My grandma thinks and believes she needs to give it to charity – even when her own grandchildren, who lives right next to her house, my late aunt’s family, badly needs a house of their own! Wow, my grandma is really a one of a kind. Don’t you agree?

Well, enough about my grandma. This post is supposed to be about my beloved grandpa.

Lolo, wherever you are right now, I know you are looking down at us. I know Aunt is with you. Somewhere. In a place we cannot follow. I will be seeing you again – but not yet. This one’s for you:


For the brave things you have done
Serving the country at times of war.

For the gentle way you have loved us all
Looking back surely would make us all cry.

For the many wonderful things in life you have showed us
Thanking God for each blessing sent our way.

For the many ways you have guided us
Our mothers have become the best because of you.

For the many wonderful memories you have left behind
I keep yearning for more.

For all the wonderful things you have instilled in us
I thank you for being the best grandpa in the whole world!


We miss you.

Me and my poor eyesight

I broke my glasses a few months ago. I just had it repaired recently. I bought a pair of contact lenses too – but, silly, careless me lost one of it. So right now, my glasses are in good working condition (hehehe after having the lenses and nose pad replaced, it looks like it’s brand new!).

I started wearing glasses when I was in my senior year in college. After getting tired of sitting at the back in the classroom (because I am taller than the average Filipina, I am expected to sit at the back to give others a clearer view of the board), squinting to see what my professor has written on the board and borrowing my classmate’s notes, I finally went to have my eyes checked. That was when I found out I was near sighted with myopic astigmatism (I hope I got the term correctly).

When I started working at the call center, I upgraded to wearing contact lenses (of course, I was earning more than what I did with my past job, lol). The only problem? My eyes got too dry and sore. I had to make sure I apply my eye solution every now and then. But I must admit, wearing contact lenses made me feel so FREE. For the first time, I felt like I had perfect vision! It felt so great having the perfect vision I have always dreamed about. And then, I lost one of it. Right now, I am planning on getting myself a new pair of contact lenses. And this time, I am going to be very careful and not lose one of it!

C’est la Vie!

One of the many wonders of life is life itself. It is a very complex thing, so enigmatic, mysterious, complicated and yet so surprising and unexplainable in its simplicity. So as I am sitting at my desk at work today, with most of my tasks done, I am left with just enough time to really think and ponder on some of the thoughts that’s been on my mind lately.

What makes life so complicated and so agonizingly painful?

Have you ever experienced wanting something so bad, so bad that you were more than willing to give up your life just to get that something? And then just when you thought you were going to get it, you failed ~ with your face flat on the ground, your body numb with pain and emotions you can barely comprehend to? Well, I hope you’ll believe me when I say everyone has experienced that. We all have our most depressing moments that helped us become who we are today. These pits made us stronger and braver ~ these were designed by our Maker to help us improve and polish ourselves and to help us become a better person as we go through life. The important lesson here is to stand up whenever we fall. Don’t let failure get you. You are worth more than you think you are.

Sad to say, but, not everyone makes it out of the pit alive. Some simply refused to live. Some preferred to stay and linger at the bottom of the pit. While some may have gone out of the pit alive ~ their souls have been badly scarred and their hearts has turned to stone, incapable of love, happiness and worst, incapable of living life to the fullest. This is where life is at its ugliest form.

Is life unfair? Well, nobody ever said life was going to be fair or easy. It depends on how we handle situations and what we make out of it. The choice has always been ours to make. Rich people are not necessarily happier just because they are wealthy. Happiness doesn’t come from being rich or poor. Happiness is something we find deep in our hearts of hearts.

When we lose people we love and care about in our lives, we question God instead of understanding the purpose behind it. When we fail to realize our goals and our dreams, we get upset and blame God and ourselves. When things go wrong and when the going gets tough, we isolate ourselves from our family and friends. In doing so, we fail to realize that we are hurting the people that matter to us the most - we not only caused more pain to ouselves but have caused pain to others too. When we become bitter, we affect those who are closest to us ~ our family and friends. When we are hurting, we isolate ourselves – then how does that help in making life worth living when we are just passing on the pain and agony to others?

I am not writing this post because I know a lot about life – in fact, I don’t know much about life. My journey has not ended, I still have a LOT to learn & understand, and a lot are still coming my way (obstacles and blessings, in its many forms!) I just would like to share my thoughts and my personal views on this matter because I see a lot of badly scarred souls everyday and I wish they would atleast stop for a while and examine their choices. I’ve seen some who simply stopped believing in dreams and that’s a terrible thing to do. I see many people complaining about the things they don’t have and not even see what’s right in front of them. I see so many people wishing they had this and that, not even realizing that they are far more blessed than others are. I see a lot of people getting upset at mundane things when it’s not really something they should even waste their time with. I see a lot of people ignoring their families because they are so preoccupied with work (I am one of those people, sad to say) ~ and most of us have this lame excuse of working hard for our families – what a shame! And I realize that now too. Our families can survive without the money we can help them with ~ it is losing us that they cant stand because we are a part of their lives and they love us. They fear of losing us just as we fear of losing them. I fear about losing my family without being able to tell them how much I love them and how thankful I am for being a part of the family. I fear of losing them when there’s still a lot left unsaid and undone.

Why do we not see our blessings? Why do we not recognize them? Is it because they came in small packages we didn’t want or expect? Or because it was not what and how we wanted it to be? When would we start recognizing the blessings we already have? Why can’t we just treat our misfortunes as blessings in disguise? And the question goes on and on. And I will leave the answers to you my dear readers. And I hope you’ll come up with a good answer and a wise decision. We all have to live a good life and enjoy it while it lasts. We will walk the face of the earth just once. It is only but right to make sure we are maximizing our time. Nobody knows what the future brings. We could die anytime. Any family member or friend could be gone before you even know it. It’s sad I know. But that’s how life is. That’s life. Nothing is certain or permanent. That is the simple plain truth about life. We have to act now and start living a meaningful life.

Patch Adams Movie: A personal insight about Love, Life, Acceptance and Learning

How does one live life to the fullest? We are always wondering why life is like this and like that – why there are always things that we can’t change no matter what we do. The truth is - Life is about loving, taking risks, accepting that there are certain things we just can't change and learning from our mistakes. Sounds like a cliché I know (lol). But when we really think about it, when we think and look back, our life has always been about loving, taking risks, accepting and learning from our failures. Everyday we are bombarded with situations that need our decisions – no matter how small and insignificant that decision is to others, it is a fact that along with that decision is a risk on our part the moment we choose how to react to a particular situation.

The Real Patch "Hunter" Adams

How can one truly live life to the fullest and effectively? To this question I think my answers are to accept one's limitation, to sing as if no one's listening, to dance as if no one's watching, to live as if there's no tomorrow and to touch another person’s life in a positive way. I remember watching Patch Adams years ago and even now as I watch it again and again, I still get teary eyed and emotional about the movie. Why? Because it speaks a lot about loving in its many dimensions – loving oneself, loving what we want and aspire in life, loving our friends & family, loving that very special someone, loving the feeling when one is able to help another human being in need. It also shows us that we shouldn’t quit just because we got hurt. It is only but inevitable that we get hurt once in a while – after all, that is one proof that we are still alive. It is a wonder how one man could have so much happiness in his heart and how he goes about sharing it to everyone! Not only did he improve the lives of terminally ill patients – he made it possible for the world to see how good it is to be alive and doing what God has designed and planned for us to become. There is always a reason for everything. (Yes, whether you like it or not! lol)

Patch Adams with his elderly patient & with kids. (Pictures were all taken from the Internet)

There are a couple of scenes from the movie that really just touched me in so many ways. The scene where Patch never gave up and made a bitter man’s life better by befriending him and outwitting him – yes, that terminally ill patient that shouts and throws almost anything within his grip!(lol) Patch brilliantly got to him, one night – dressed as an angel and later on outwitting the poor man with Patch’s choice of words and terms. Then there was this scene with Patch and the cancer stricken kids – what a darling! He really went nuts and went out of his way just to see them smile. Nothing could stop him from making another human happy just to be alive. Then the most romantic scene was when Corrine confided in him and confessed her love for him. She completely opened up to him and trusted him. Corrine spoke of her childhood envy of caterpillars which could "turn into beautiful creatures that could fly away untouched." The morning following their romantic interlude, we see Corrine still asleep in her bed under a window in the middle of which is the large stained-glass image of a butterfly. Patch had already read the first few stanzas of the poem during Corrine's surprise birthday party. And boy did I love and envy her balloons!(lol) Patch stood over her bed and reads a few more words from the poem: "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where . . . " He never finished reading the whole poem to her because shortly after, Corrine died and Patch read the rest of the poem during Corrine’s funeral and he kissed the coffin in desperation as if kissing Corrine for the very last time. (sob... sob... :-( how tragic...)

-o0o-

Sonnet 17

By Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way
because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I nor you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep
it is your eyes that close.

© Pablo Neruda

-o0o-

I remember going crazy over this poem so many, many, MANY times before! (lol) I was just then starting with my career as a Call Center agent and replied to everyone on the email thread and asked if anyone ever knew the poem from the Patch Adam’s movie – I know, I know – but I was desperate at that time! (lol) It was one of our superiors who emailed me the details of the poem and it was then when I found out about the poem’s title (I took the risks and learned – see? Life is indeed about loving, taking risks, accepting ones limitation and learning! lol)


Life is really worth living and savoring for – no matter how painful and discouraging our paths may sometimes seem. We just have to have faith and believe that our life’s journey is with a purpose. We just simply need to learn how NOT to quit when the going gets though. After all, nobody ever said life was going to be easy.