Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Always the Bridesmaid but never the …

I know I have been away and out of touch for far too long now. And as always, I have again come up with a very good explanation for my long absence. No, it is not one of those lame excuses I used to come up with and it’s about time I come out into the open and talk about it (heck, I might as well rant about it too! lol).

Well, I just got in touch with my long time friend today and found out she’s getting married next month. I also found out that she picked me to be her maid of honor. I was shocked and caught off guard. In all honesty, I am happy for her – with all my heart, I truly am. But something about it tugged at my heart. Painful memories of the past came to mind along with feelings I have tried so hard to forget. I guess I’m still not over it. I thought I was but I guess I was mistaken.

3 years ago, I believed and thought I’ve finally found my destiny. You can just imagine my happiness when I got proposed at. The thought of being engaged was pure bliss. I was really looking forward to becoming someone’s wife and soul mate (it was to happen this year, supposedly!). I was really all excited and ready to share and spend the rest of my life with the man I thought was the one God had intended for me. It didn’t matter to me how or where we were tying the knot – all that mattered to me was the love that I felt for the person. Needless to say, I thought I finally found my fairytale.

Last year (June 2009 – right after I got back home from my Bohol trip), just days after our petition got approved, he broke the news to me. He said he needed more time… that he needed more space. I was dumbfounded, shocked, hurt and confused. Did he really love me? Was it something I said? Or something I did? I remember feeling numb all over and not knowing what to do or think. In the 3 years we’ve been together, I have never asked him for money nor did I take advantage of him. My parents adored him – hell, my Dad was really all thumbs-up for him. So, what the hell went wrong? I honestly don’t know. I was so lost. I had no idea what to do or say. I was so hurt. All of my friends said I was fine, that I was a good catch. I am employed and earning my own money. My parents can afford to support me if I should decide to stay at home and do nothing. I had been a very loyal and faithful partner… I didn’t deserve this pain.

So… being the typical Filipina who liked being sought after, I matched the pain he caused me and told him I’m not marrying him if he’s not ready. At the back of my mind, I hoped and prayed he would go after me and try to win me back – but he didn’t. Ouch! I was dropped and dumped like I were some hot potato burning in his hands! Yes, I know. It was so painful it killed me. It killed that part of me that hoped and believed. I tried to get even with him by saying hurtful things at him – even when deep inside, I just needed him to say he’ll stay and make things work for both of us. I got so depressed as I watched 3 years of my life go to waste. I got sick, performed poorly at work, and avoided eating together with my family for fear of being asked about our status. Yes, he also left me alone to deal with the mess he left behind. I had no clue how to tell my family. I was so angry at myself for trusting him, for believing him.

He was a big part of my every day. Losing him was not even in my worst nightmare! I was so used to having him with me (virtually of course – the perils of a long distance relationship). I started and ended my days with him. We prayed together, shared our hopes and dreams with each other… I just simply didn’t know where or how to start being my own person again. I spent endless nights crying myself to sleep, there were even times when I thought about ending my life just so I could escape the pain. All of my closest friends are out of reach (living / working in another place). Yeah, sending them messages did me good (for a while) then I started battling with depression again. I gained back all the weight that I’ve lost, I spent all my money on food. I needed someone to comfort me while I cried out all the angst I have been keeping inside me. I couldn’t cry at home, fearing it could cause alarm to my family members (I rarely cry), and without a sister to share my room with, I always had to wait till everyone’s asleep before I could let my tears run free.

I am tired believing good things happen to good people – because it doesn’t. I am tired of believing in miracles – do they really exist? I am tired of believing in love. All my life, I had done nothing but obey all the rules simply because I was told it was the right thing to do. Now, I’m tired. Tired of living? Yes, I am. I am 31 – and I am tired of waiting for Mr. Right. As one of my friends used to tell me, life truly is one shit right after the other (lol!). But atleast now, I have partially recovered. At least I am starting to enjoy myself again… I am doing new things, seeing new places… expanding my horizons (whatever that means! lol!)

It has been awhile and I am still trying to pick up pieces of the person I once used to be. And I did meet someone interesting along the way (and someone I truly admired). I also thought we clicked really well, hmm that was before I told him I love Twilight. As soon as he learned I read books about vampires, he decided I was less of a Christian and didn’t want to have anything to do with me. Oh well… I wish he spent more time really getting to know me and knowing more about where I came from before judging me. Tough luck and tough love?!? lol! Maybe it was just God’s way of telling me I’m not ready (but boy, I really thought he was handsome and cute… tsk tsk tsk… lol!) but, I’ll take it as my cue that it just isn’t my time (yet).

To my dear friend, thank you for showing me that miracles still happen (not necessarily on time or when you expect it to be but at least it still exists)… that love still lives and that dreams still come true. I am so happy you found your miracle… and most of all, thank you for sharing the wonderful news with me today. Congratulations, Vikas and Divine! My love and prayer goes out to you both! Mwaaahhh!

As for me... I’ll have to keep believing that there’s someone in this crazy world for me (sigh…)